


I think I'm Lost Without You.

by Cor321



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Heartbreaking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-18 14:07:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18701134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cor321/pseuds/Cor321
Summary: Vic deals with the loss of the love of her life. Will she stay strong, will she let people in, or will she break under the pressure.





	I think I'm Lost Without You.

**Author's Note:**

> I had so many feelings coming out of that episode, I just needed to get them onto the page. The song "Lost Without You" by Freya Ridings is what inspired this fic. I wrote this for myself, as a way of sorting through the emotions I was feeling after watching this beautiful episode, but I hope it helps others do the same.

_Strong_. _Brave_. _Resilient_. These were the words people would use to describe Victoria Hughes. And before Lucas Ripley had nestled his way into her heart she would agree. But here she was standing in front of his door, to the room he would take his final breath and she felt like none of those things. With Travis to behind her, a silent pillar of support she took a deep breath before opening the door.

 

That last conversation, just the two of them in their little bubble, not unlike how they started. It was a blur of tears and choked laughs. The man she wanted to spend her forever with said yes, “It’s yes Victoria, of course, it’s yes.” It was supposed to be the happiest moment of her life. But it was bittersweet at best. “I was really ready to spend the rest of my life with you Lucas Ripley.” The cruel joke was only one of them would be spending the rest of their life with the love of their life. To love someone so much, and it be at your fingertips and then just slip away. For that to be the last thing her love would hear her say, for her to have one last kiss, and watch him take his last breath. She can feel the last bit of her control slipping. She leaned in and whispered, “You said you want to see the world, this is your chance. It’s okay to go.” As she got up to leave, she put back on the mask, the one she would show the world. No one could know the pain she was in.

 

So she walked past the firefighters that lined the halls, not looking anyone in the eyes because she needed to be strong. For Lucas, she would be brave. She made it to the aid car before she collapsed and let herself really cry, as she had done in the closet beforehand. “I think I’m lost without you.” She said to the sky, hoping wherever he was he could hear her. Vic barely remembered Travis climbing into the aid car, sitting beside her, bringing her into his lap so she could just cry. No one else could see her like this, just him, the one person besides Lucas who was able to break down some of those walls. She didn’t remember him driving her home or bringing her into her apartment, all of it was a blur. All she remembers was sinking into bed and inhaling the smell. Lucas. She fell asleep with tears still running down her face, holding his pillow close.

 

When she woke up, for a brief second she forgot. She forgot the nightmare from the day before. She remembered and it hit her like a ton of bricks, suffocating her. But she had to be strong, so she went through the motions. A shower that was just a little too scalding, making her feel a different pain, she put her hair up and her uniform on. She drove to work, the feeling of loneliness never quite leaving her. Travis was the first to see her, “Oh, Vic.”

 

“No Travis, we aren’t doing this. Because if we do this that means this is all real, I just need to work.”

 

“Say no more.” That was the good thing about Travis, he cared and would always be there for you. But when asked he wouldn’t push, he knew what she needed. He was her best friend and the only other person who knew what she was going through.

 

That evening Captain Sullivan pulled her and Lucas’ sister Jennifer into his office to talk about the funeral. Asking her to make the choice of what kind of car to use, of what kind of treatment he deserved. Everything, Lucas deserved the world, and if she couldn’t save him she could give him this. She couldn’t save him, that thought ran through her mind and everything came crashing down again, the visceral feeling was too much for her in that moment. She had to get away. So she went to the only place she could think of, the roof of the firetruck. One by one her coworkers, no, her family joined her. In the sea of loneliness she felt loved, and even if just temporarily, she shared that burden of grief silently with those around her. Slowly, they each got up until it was just Travis with her, holding her again as she cried what seemed to be an endless stream of tears.

 

Three days, seventy-six hours later she was at the station again. Captain Sullivan had forced her to go home forty-eight hours earlier. The only thing was, everything in her home reminded her of him. His shirt draped over the chair, his toothbrush in the bathroom it was all too much. She spent those two days in a haze, numb to the world around her. She refused to think about him, because every time she did she would breakdown again and that was exhausting.

 

Travis walking into in his full dress uniform was a punch in the gut, a reminder that they would be saying goodbye today for the last time. He looked at her softly, “Vic, you need to get ready.”

 

She looked him in the eye, “I don’t wanna go.”

 

“Nobody wants to go to a funeral. It’s not something you are supposed to enjoy doing, but if you don’t go,” He paused, “you won’t ever forgive yourself for missing your last chance to honour him, to say goodbye.”

 

“Travis, I need you to back off.”

 

“No Vic, you are in denial. He’s gone. You need to admit that it’s real to be able to get any sort of closure.”

 

“I’m not going.”

 

Travis sighed. Vic hoped that it was a sign that he would just leave her be, let her stay in this little bubble that she had formed for herself. A bubble where she didn’t need to think about how lost she was. But he was unrelenting, standing his ground looking at her with a gentle intensity. He took a step toward her, “Just take it one step at a time, first, get dressed, you can do this.”

 

“I can’t do this though. You aren’t listening to me. I lost the love of my life. Do you know how that feels?”

 

“More than anyone.”

 

“It’s like no other pain I’ve ever known! I can’t let that pain in, everytime I start to it comes at me at full speed and I --I can’t breathe! My world is crumbling around me and I don’t know how to stop it.”

 

Travis took another step closer, pulling her into a hug. “You can’t stop it. You have to feel it. You have to let tear you down so we can help build you back up.” He stroked her arm as he hugged her. “It won’t be easy Vic, but it’s something that you need to do I will be there the whole time. Anytime you need I will be a safe place for you, if you need to cry, if you need to be angry, whatever it is you can be that with me.”

 

She looked up at him, defeat written all over her face. She just nodded, she would do this for Lucas, be there one last time, even if it crushed her. So she picked up her dress uniform Travis had brought her and did what she had been the last few days, just went through the motions. She arrived, and instantly all eyes were on her, after the hospital it was common knowledge that her and Lucas were together. So she would remain strong, she couldn’t break down in front of everyone. With her arm hooked around Jennifer’s, she did just that, she stayed strong through the whole service, letting a few tears run down her face, as Lucas’ sister sobbed into her side.

_______

 

It was three weeks until she was even remotely ready to go back to the diner, to their place. The place that would always remind her of the love of her life. With her arm hooked around Travis’, she made her way to their table. Travis had come here a couple of weeks earlier, at Vic’s insistence, to tell them what happened. She couldn’t handle being blindsided by questions in her safe haven.  Cameron came to the table, gave her a solemn look and said, “The eggy thing?”

 

“The eggy thing.” She said back, smiling at the nickname they not only gave the meal but that Lucas also gave her. It wasn’t going to be easy, but these small moments where she could feel surrounded by Lucas’ memory would get her through.

  


**Author's Note:**

> I would like to thank archeryandeyeliner on tumblr for beta reading this even though she had never seen the show. If you have any comments and questions you can leave them here or my tumblr is schmicosmalec.


End file.
